When the stay at home order was issued, I was overwhelmed with worry about the health of my two boys – ages 20 and 16. After a few weeks at home together, my worry for their health was soon replaced by worry for their safety as I was pretty sure I was going to seriously hurt one of them.
The 20-year-old is a junior in college and to be suddenly yanked away from friends and independence was hard and adjusting to online college classes was brutal. Did I mention he had to bring home his 6-month-old Ball Python snake? You don’t want to know about finding “Frozen Fuzzies” in your freezer – they are NOT an ice cream treat! Meanwhile, the 16-year-old set out to perfect his Xbox skills and learn how to cook – making HUGE messes in the kitchen. The grocery bill was staggering and dinners were quiet as no one had anything new to share – every day was groundhog day.
But we soon settled into a new normal. The older son and my husband are enjoying time in the workshop. They built a farm table, and are now working on a couch for the porch. My younger son and I prepare dinner together almost every night and share our music with each other. For each Leon Bridges or J. S. Ondara song I play, I grit my teeth through some horror he called music. But he is coming around to liking John Prine and I have found a few Mac Miller and Post Malone songs I like. And we have had some profound conversations about life, politics, what a defining moment this is, wondering how they will remember this time, and what they will tell their children.
While we can’t wait to get back to normal – whatever that may look like – I think we will look back on this unique time together with a degree of fondness. This Mother’s Day will not feature a fancy meal at a nice restaurant or a big gathering of extended family – it will be a simple brunch on the back porch with no gifts. I can’t wait.
We asked some of our Christian & Small mom lawyers to share their reflections on working and parenting during the quarantine. The struggle is real and universal…and a joy. We hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day spending time with people you love – even if they drive you a little crazy sometimes.
Julie M. Ellis
Christina May Bolin, Partner
I have always endeavored to be a mom at home and a lawyer at work. My co-workers want to be mothered about as much as my children want to be cross-examined so I make a conscious effort to keep a firm line in the sand. Sometimes, it’s harder than others, but I think I’ve managed pretty well over the last fifteen years. My sons will tell you I’m the mom all the other kids are scared of, but they will still hug me in public. I’ll take that as a win. Now my two worlds have collided and it has taken a lot of adjustments on both ends. I’m working out of my home office while my boys are trying to complete the 10th and 7th grades from home. My oldest Daniel is a musician – a drummer to be specific – and has used his free time at home to brush up on his musical skills. (Did I mention the drumming?) My youngest Carter is more of a sports guy and has never been a big fan of school in general, so keeping him on task and not in perpetual Fortnight-Land has been a job in and of itself. We are doing OK though. So far, there has only been one horribly embarrassing video conference incident. (That’s a story for another day but it involves my youngest, four different judges and a 120lb golden retriever.) We have worked out that issue.
After so many years of routine and separation, this new way of working is challenging, but there are some benefits. For the first time in more than a decade, we have nowhere to be in the evenings and on the weekends. Also, I cannot honestly remember a time where I have been home and not traveling for work for this long of a period of time. Sports and band are suspended. We have played board games, built fires, and worked in the yard together. Sometimes one of the boys will just come to sit with me here and work or will ask about what I’m working on. I truly love what I do and I miss my co-workers and my routine, but a part of me is going to miss this time too once we all get back to normal.
LaBella S. McCallum, Partner
My challenges working at home as regards the issue of children is a bit different in that I don’t have children still living at home. Probably the more distracting “children” issues have been trying to type while my yellow tabby, who is not used to having mommy home during the day, insists on sitting directly on my keyboard while he also insists on rubbing his head on my hands begging for a scratch. Equally distracting was the squirrel who entered my home Friday due to my habit during this isolating period of keeping as many doors open to the outside so that I can hear the kids playing, the workers mowing the lawns and my neighbors conducting business on their phones while sitting in their yards and porches. The video I have of my husband and me, well, primarily my husband, finally getting him out FOUR DAYS LATER is pretty amusing. I am not too proud to admit that I screamed like I was on the scariest roller coaster during the process.
While the personal losses are sad; my niece’s postponed wedding celebration, both of my children’s’ isolated birthday celebrations in April, not being able to be in the same room or hold my four-month-old granddaughter, I feel very blessed compared to the losses of so many others in the world.
I am thankful that two of the important parts of my life, working and exercising, have not been badly impacted due to the early and progressive actions of our firm’s managing committee and Pure Barre’s quick transition to virtual access to their classes. Oh, and the fact that I can still ride due to the social distancing practices at El Gezira is huge.
The following is not rocket science. However, I have found that keeping to your normal schedule (including taking a shower once a day), dressing in something other than leggings and a t-shirt, enjoying a date night with makeup, hair fixed (there are sacrifices as I am now a brunette vs a blonde as at home blonde shades weren’t covering the gray), and touching base with your co-employees and friends help make you feel normal more than you would think. Fortunately, my work still fills my days and I haven’t been able to devote time to cleaning out a closet or organizing a drawer. However, if you have the time to do so, go for it. Anything constructive makes you feel better. Yes, we will get through this. Embrace the positive. I never thought I could have slowed down this much and been o.k. about it. We are stronger than we think.
Rachel J. Moore, Partner
Before I became a lawyer or a mother, I envisioned that excelling at both roles would not be the least bit challenging. Wow, was I in for a rude awakening!
One (1) principle holds true for the practice of law and motherhood – they are always evolving. As a lawyer and a mother, I have learned that you better be ready to adapt to whatever change life throws your way. Easier said than done for a type “A” personality who likes everything planned down to the last detail.
My story probably begins a little different than most, as being a mother and a lawyer have gone hand-in-hand. My husband and I were expecting our first child to arrive in late June 1991. In other words, I was pregnant essentially my entire 3rd year of law school. No worries, I had everything perfectly scheduled: (1) graduate from law school; (2) take the bar review course; (3) have the baby on her due date; (4) take the bar, and (5) begin my career as a licensed attorney. My plan did not come to fruition as my daughter decided during my bar review class that it was a good day to make her entrance into the world.
Our son arrived 2 ½ years later. Juggling not one (1), but two (2) children and the practice of law was really an eye-opener. I had to learn to be more receptive to change and become more flexible. This allowed me to provide my clients with excellent legal services while still being a very present mom for my children.
With the recent pandemic, the practice of law has once again evolved. I am now remotely working from home – not something I ever envisioned. Given my extreme resistance to change, it was initially challenging for me. Preparing for video conference hearings, meetings, and depositions was a learning curve. I prefer working from the office with all of the commercial equipment. I also miss the camaraderie we share with one another at Christian & Small.
My fear of change has faded and now I am perfectly content. Today I share office space with my husband of 30 years, who is also working remotely. We also get to see our children and grandchildren more often as they live extremely close to us.
I am truly blessed to work for such a wonderful firm and to be the mother of Blakely, Kayla (Matt), and GiGi to Caroline, Emery Grae, Cate, and Clark.
Gaby E. Reeves, Of Counsel
“Work-Life Balance” does not exist. At least not in Lawyer Mom land. Lady Justice is not a parent. If she were, the Scales of Justice would be constantly tilting; the only reason she’d be wearing that blindfold would be to keep from getting dizzy.
I speak with the wisdom of experience. I have one son, Reeves, who recently turned 18. He was born on March 19, 2002, which is St. Joseph’s Day; it is not lost on me that the man is considered both the patron saint of families and the patron saint of a happy death. Reeves is funny, smart, alarmingly charming, and a master of procrastination; I never knew it was possible to love another person so much and want to throttle him at the same time until he became a teenager. I’ve spent much of the last 18 years feeling guilty over the times I couldn’t be with him for the highs and lows of his growing up because of work. I’ve also spent much of the last 18 years feeling guilty about the times I’ve not been able to perform my job as well as I wanted, the hours I’ve not billed, and a million other things the law requires because of the attention being a parent demands. I constantly ran backward in high heels, chasing the elusive WLB. Enter the COVID-19 pandemic.
Since mid-March, Reeves has been “distance learning,” (a term that carries the same weight as “Work-Life Balance”), and I have been working remotely. It is now May. My house is smaller than it was in March, but I have learned much during COVID Captivity, e.g.: 1.) Parents who work from home full time deserve much respect; 2.) Teachers should receive the highest pay of anyone in the workforce; 3.) A dog really is man’s best friend, but a cat really is not; 4.) It is less expensive to pay for high school lunches than it is to feed a teenaged boy at home; 5.) My son is one of the hardest workers I’ve ever known; and, 6.) There is no such thing as “Work-Life Balance.”
The lockdown has given me the chance to talk with Reeves, as opposed to at him. I have no need to use my “Mom voice” to get him out the door in time to make 7:00 a.m. Football Practice Role Call or nag him about homework. I am not limited to 10 minutes of conversation in the car on the way home from school. I don’t have to iron uniform shirts. There have been challenges along the way – I have had to give a late-night crash course on the Rime of the Ancient Mariner (Hello, Life-in-Death) and a similar course on The Lord of the Flies is lurking on the horizon. He interrupts my remote work a good bit, usually when I am extremely busy, but now, I put it aside and go to bed a little later so I can listen to what he has to say. I never did that before, which is why he didn’t talk with me much; he figured I was too busy. I’ve been given the chance to rectify that and I am not taking it for granted.
The moment I realized that this opportunity won’t be offered again is the moment I knew that the elusive “Work-Life Balance” did not exist; I’d been on a snipe hunt for years. The “Parent” scale and the “Lawyer” scale will never balance; one will always outweigh the other depending on the situation. I don’t think they were ever supposed to balance.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Deborah Alley Smith, Managing Partner
The Mom job description covers a lot of territory – cheerleader, life coach, disciplinarian, cook, maid, counselor, peacekeeper, negotiator, referee, comforter-in-chief, chauffeur, party planner, nurse, tutor, barber, launderer, etc., etc. Now that my kids are grown (with the arguable exception of my husband-child), we can laugh at most of the mishaps and missteps that occurred when they were growing up: the lip-stick drawings on the new living room sofa; the lost winter coats – four or five in one year by one child; the mad dashes back to school at 7 pm – seemingly every day — to retrieve forgotten books needed for homework; the six-foot rat snake my son captured in his grandmother’s yard and just had to keep until it laid its eggs, which escaped and remained unaccounted for inside our house for several weeks, only to reappear when only Mom was home; the fender-benders; the overdrawn checking accounts; the do-you-know-where-your-son-is call from the police at 3 a.m. [and no, he wasn’t asleep in his bed, as we thought].
Now, we can revel in the happy times – you know, those two or three days when we are all together and no one is bent out of shape about anything. Seriously though, all things considered, things went relatively smoothly over the years – both kids grew up to be kind-hearted, responsible human beings, and neither I nor my husband, got fired or put in jail in the process. I’m not sure we would have fared as well if we’d all been stuck at home for weeks on end in a pandemic shut-down, particularly when the kids were teenagers. Hat tip to all those moms (and dads) who have had to fulfill their many duties 24/7 during the pandemic and have added preschool, elementary, and/or secondary school teachers to their job descriptions as well. Hang in there – this too will pass.
While there are a lot of parallels between the mom role and the managing partner role, I’ve tried not to be “the mom” at the office. [So far, I’ve resisted the temptation to include “I’m not your momma” in any of my communications to my “firm-children” – e.g., “I shouldn’t have to ask you to [insert appropriate task]; I’m not your momma.”] As with the various mishaps in my real mom role, I can now laugh at many things that have occurred during my tenure as a managing partner: “what do you mean the 17th floor is flooded?”; “You did what!?!”
Sharon D. Stuart, Partner
TI can’t tell you how many times over the past two months that I’ve thanked my lucky stars that my two children are in college. First, I am fairly sure that I would have been a lousy home-school teacher. Second, they both thankfully got to have a “normal” high school graduation. Third, and most importantly, because the circumstances of this Covid crisis have allowed us to have some great family time. Some of that time has been cooking and eating more meals together, some has been playing frisbee and hitting golf balls back and forth to each other in the back yard, and some has been spent having really great and important conversations that we couldn’t have had when they were younger.
We have spent a lot of time discussing life lessons taught by this situation – if being confined to your house doesn’t make you stop and think about the vital importance of freedom, it’s likely that nothing will. We’ve had great conversations about the implications of this situation on their future – I wish I had more answers. When they were young and wanted to follow the crowd, I’d ask the rhetorical question, “if your friends ran and jumped off a cliff, would you just do the same?” Now, we can have more grown-up talks.
We’ve discussed how important it is to think for yourself, to ask many questions, especially of the “experts”, to read a lot (and not on social media), to listen to all points of view, so that you can try to understand where others are coming from, and to insist on real answers. As a mom, I’ve always hoped to instill these values in my kids so they would have the tools to draw informed conclusions, but one never really knows what has sunk in until it is put to the test. If the test of the past two months is any indication, I think we passed.
About Christian & Small
Christian & Small LLP represents a diverse clientele throughout Alabama, the Southeast, and the nation with clients ranging from individuals and closely-held businesses to Fortune 500 corporations. By matching highly experienced lawyers with specific client needs, Christian & Small develops innovative, effective, and efficient solutions for clients. With offices in Birmingham, metro-Jackson, Mississippi, and the Alabama Gulf Coast, Christian & Small focuses on the areas of litigation and business, is a member of the International Society of Primerus Law Firms, and is the only Alabama-based member firm in the Leadership Council on Legal Diversity. Our corporate social responsibility program is focused on education, and diversity is one of Christian & Small’s core values.
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